Dining out should be about good food, great drinks and convivial company in a delightful setting. But restaurants can also be hotbeds of bad behaviour, poor hygiene and pretension that try our nerves as well as our taste buds. Here we countdown the irritations that make us wish we'd stayed at home with a pizza instead.

It’s bad enough when we have to ask for the basics such as salt and pepper, rather being offered them as a matter of course. But these days some restaurants think that their chips are above ketchup altogether.

Your dinner companion nipped to the bathroom between the starter and main, and now their food has arrived, gone cold and you're wondering if you’ve been ditched. Having to trek to far-off, badly signposted amenities really ruins the mood.

We don’t begrudge others their date nights and the sight of a burgeoning romance on the next table often leaves us with a warm glow. But keep it to longing looks and lingering touches, please. Full-on public displays of affection have no place near our dinner. Kissing and feeding each other makes onlookers uncomfortable.

You spend ages deciding what delicious treat to order. The waiter takes said order and the anticipation begins. Five minutes later, they’re back bearing the news that the kitchen is out of your choice and your back-up choice and, indeed, most things. If it’s off, tell diners upfront.

There’s normally no one to blame but ourselves for big bills: we ordered all the lovely food and a few too many cocktails of our own free will. But finding out too late that a grating of parmesan costs extra and the bread basket wasn’t on the house, sends us through the restaurant’s roof. ​

Sharing small plates are a nice idea in theory but a nightmare in practice. There will be dishes no one likes and others that everyone loves. That’s before you realise the plate you really wanted to try has mysteriously vanished before you’ve got anywhere near. And everyone’s always worried they’ve eaten more than their fair share.

Some diners expect Michelin star-quality food and service, and seemingly fail to realise they’re at a local café or a budget chain restaurant. The golden rule remains: you get what you pay for. With that said, customers should never feel bad about making legitimate complaints.

They’re having a whale of a time knocking back the booze, getting up and down to chat and taking group photos. But large groups are also popping fellow diners’ eardrums and hogging the staff.

A romantic, moody atmosphere is a good thing. Being unable to read the menu or see your companion’s face is a bad thing. If restaurants can’t give us a decent level of light, we can't be to blame for all the spillages.

You sent your meal back because it was cold and it has reappeared with a hideous film over the surface and wilted warm lettuce. It’s been shoved under a grill or, worse, put in a microwave. Just say no and demand a fresh dish.

But if restaurant patrons are criticising before they're barely through the door, you just know they are not going to stop picking holes. They take up the server's time to the detriment of other diners. There’s an extra degree of disdain for customers who moan about their meals after they've eaten them.

The odd sigh emitted from a harassed, overworked and underpaid waiter is easily understandable. But being looked up and down and condescendingly spoken to by a maître d' whom you suspect would rather check your credit rating than show you to your table is a bit much.

You've read the online reviews from past customers and everyone's raving about the food, the ambience and the excellent staff. But when you finally manage to get a table, it's not all its cracked up to be – the food is cold, the restaurant is dirty and the service slow. Fake and misleading reviews abound so don't always trust websites such as Yelp or TripAdvisor. One of the most brilliant examples is the The Shed at Dulwich, a spoof restaurant in a journalist's shed, which faked its way to the top-rated restaurant in London. 

Nothing beats a restaurant with great atmosphere but it’s almost never created by music at a deafening volume. Ending the evening hoarse from shouting at companions is not a dream dining experience. The same goes for sitting next to a noisy, open kitchen full of shouting chefs and banging pans.

Uncomfortable furniture never makes for a great meal out as does cramped seating that means you can’t raise your glass to your lips without elbowing a stranger. Or you could be plonked next to the toilet or exit in an otherwise empty restaurant.

Even posh and otherwise immaculate restaurants sometimes fail on this front. When you're paying a fortune to eat, it's reasonable to expect a clean bathroom. Top tip: pay a visit before you order. If the toilets aren’t clean, it’s sensible to doubt the kitchen hygiene too.

Taking a quick snap of your brunch is fine but some people take it too far. They jostle for the best angle, stand up for the perfect overhead shot and blind everyone else with a stream of camera flashes. Some high-end restaurants in France have even banned mobile phones at the table because taking photos was too disruptive for other customers.

Children are to be expected in family-orientated restaurants so there’s no side-eyeing their presence but kids can really cause a headache. The little darlings tearing up the place while parents ignore their screaming doesn’t make for a fun night out. Except for the kids.

Waiting for the meal is fine but, once seated and the drinks order taken, beverages should be prompt to appear. Being forced to watch your drink sit on the bar getting warm while being resolutely ignored by the waiter is the worst.

No one knows what it is or why it’s there, but this big dollop of frogspawn-like bubbles is oozing across your dinner anyway. The texture is horrible and it tastes of nothing. Someone make it stop.

It’s a USP for some chains and that’s just fine. But everywhere else there’s still the reasonable expectation that people who go to restaurants together want to eat together, not in relay. Politeness decrees that those without their dinner always say, “Go ahead and start without me,” but it’s awkward for everyone.

Other diners can ruin the ambience too. Everyone has come across the type: one minute they’re ignoring the waiter who’s waiting to take their order and the next they’re demanding attention when another table is being waited on.

Lists that take an hour to read, confusing pricing and obscure descriptions make the blood boil. Do diners really need to be multilingual members of Mensa before they can pick a meal they like? Restaurants that give customers the information they need clearly and concisely are on to a winner.

“The bill for you, sir?” is a phrase no one should hear in 2019. But some establishments seem to exist in gender politics stasis. Please just put the bill on the table and let us sort it out ourselves.

From having to track down someone to take your order to waiting a lifetime for the bill, non-existent service makes us wish we’d just popped to McDonald's instead.

Sometimes tipping is just too stressful. It’s only polite to fall in line with local custom but it’s often hard to know what’s expected. Accidentally offending with too little, having to ask for an automatically added but discretionary service charge to be removed and wondering if the waiting staff will see any of the money all add anxiety to the end of a meal.

Plates have been patiently and efficiently serving us for centuries. What crime did they commit? It began with roast dinners on slates and burgers on boards but these days your meal is in danger of arriving on anything from a car licence plate to a wooden log. Save the slate for the cheeseboard and pass us a plate, please.

That being said, we’ll take anything if it’s clean. We don’t want silver service everywhere we go but we definitely don’t want remnants of previous diners’ food and lipstick, or dishwater detritus, anywhere near our meal. Give it a wipe before it gets to the table.

Read more: The fast food newcomers conquering America in 2019

The even more annoying sibling of surly service is the permanently on-the-prowl waiter. From asking if you’re enjoying the food when you have your mouth full of your first morsel to lurking at your elbow, itching to refill your glass every 30 seconds, being watched like a hawk and constantly interrupted is even worse than being ignored.

Read more: Foods we fell in love with when we grew up

Splitting the bill is de rigueur these days but the etiquette around sharing the cost remains a work in progress. Dividing equally might be the straightforward way to go, but there's nothing worse than the person who’s necked a whole bottle of wine to themselves alongside expensive Wagyu beef suggesting it. If some diners have stuck to table water and the fixed-price menu, it’s only fair that’s all they pay for. 

Read more: Restaurants from the movies and TV you can actually eat in